Silent Plea

So I am sitting up late last night freaking out hardcore, my emotions are all wacky and I am crying for the 4 time that day wondering why? Why can't I have an easy relationship? I mean I am not trying to brag or sound full of myself but I think I am a great person to be with, I am loving, forgiving,Horny just about always,I like to try new things,I love to do thing, or just sit at home with you and watch TV. My point is that minus needing your attentions and lots of sex, I am really not that hard to be with. I will tell you everything I need from you, and I try not to play games...you know I don;t do all the stuff other girls do to their guys to be mean. So while I am crying,again, over a boy last night I had this little self conversation, and you no what I learned from it? That I am either really pathetic (which I hope isn't the case). or I am just to forgiving. I mean I do everything for the guy I like. I go out of my way to look good for him and all the nice girlfriend stuff that I fell girlfriends are suppose to do and yet guys are always leading me on or using me to get something, and for the longest time I felt like this was somehow my fault, like I was warped or something because every guy does it to me, but now I realized that yes it is my fault because I let them over and over I get into these weird relationships and over and over they blow up in my face leaving me with shrapnel in every part of me, gaping hole where my heart used to be, crying on the floor trying to hold myself together, wishing I had known better . I am now I am afraid that I may soon be once again walking through this terrible field of blown up Tot pieces and shatters love, because I am at a crossroads with Jake. I don't know what's going on , and I feel like maybe he is trying to end it with me or at the very least he is pulling away. I don't want this and I don't know what to do about it, all I can do is try not to cry really, and hope that I am wrong. I do know however that I am sick to death of crying, and of having my heart ripped out by people that weren't worthy of it anyway. I don't deserve to be treated the way I have by other guys before now. So this is my silent plea, my secret spell of hope: Jake please DON'T be like those other one, I am begging you silently to not hurt me. Please please please

More On the new guy

So yeah its been about 2 months since I posted anything, and since I meet Jake things are going well. I start my second set of classes on monday and I am still spending as much time with Jake as I can, he is great and I really like being around him. Everyone now live in the townhouse and it is going, I can't really say if its a good or a bad thing but it is a thing none the less. I am not really home much now days. I am still looking for a job and hopefully will find on very soon. Well thats it for now I guess.

New Boy

So I meet this guy named Jake at a party I went to on Saturday. I really like him and he says he really likes me. He is a little taller then me, has light brown hair, and is very laid back. I am going to see him as often as possible. I will keep you guys posted.

Moving out

Okay so my father and my sisters mom got together again and bought a townhouse... so we slowly started the move. Well now they are done and I am still moving. I am not so sure how dad will feel about this and I am not sure it will end well, but I know that I need to get away from my father and this is a great first step. I have also been having a lot of guys problems... basically they turned out to all be douche bags to the highest level . So I am now focused on school and a possible puppy( still working that out with family) Oh yeah I started school at the University of Phoenix for medical administration. I go to school online and its working out really well for me so I am happyish now lol.

Its over

Tomo and I have broken up. It was time and I am just glad it happened before we started to be mad at each other, this way we can still e friends. I miss him so much and I know he wants to be wit me but we are just to different. I am a very social person, I love to go out and have funny, and i am a very liberal kinda lady lol. Tomo is a loner kinda person, he loves to be outside and he is more conservative. We were fighting a lot and it was just getting really obvious that our personalities were to much a conflict for this to work out well much longer, or at least that is what it seem like to me. I just want him to be happy and I don't think in the long run I can make him happy. He needs to be himself and not what he thinks he needs to be to be with me and I need to just be myself and not who I think I need to be to make him happy. I still love him, but its better this way.

Here's Hoping

Well I had a job interview at St. Joseph's Hospital on Wednesday at 2:30 and hopefully I got the job. It is a position in the kitchen and from what the head of nutrition said about it it should be interesting. It has lots of postions to learn and the pay should be decent, also I am (hopefully) going to school this fall for nursing and if i get this job the hospital may pay for my schooling and it will give me benefits so I can have even more independence from my dad. This whole prospect makes me really happy and I am waiting by the phone to hear from them. Cross your fingers for me everyone(or nobody as this blog is boring and not many if any people read it).

It was nothing at all

So on Wednesday June 9 of 2009(yesterday) I got my tongue pierced, and it didn't even hurt.
I Feel like a big ole dork because I made this huge deal about it. I was sick to my stomach and shaking and all nerves and when I got to the little room with the piercer guy(whose name was Elby) I told him how I was big wreck and super scared to do it. He was nice he told me all about when he went to get his done and he was like that too. Anyway it was over in no time. I rinsed my mouth with some mouthwash, then he put this dot on my tongue, next he put the clamps on, and finally he told me he was going to line up the needle. So he did that and I was on the brink of crying pretty much and then he said okay here we go and before I could even feel it he was through and telling me okay we put the jewelry in and we are done. It was over in less then a minute and I had been a nut case about it for a week and a half. So now I am a happily pierced girl and I love it. Its swollen now so its hard to eat kinda but I am figuring it out. The moral: Don't be afraid to get something you really want done because it may hurt for a little bit.

Been on the floor

Okay so Tomo and I have been staying at his mom's house for the past 5 days. I love his mom she is a great lady,but we had to sleep on the floor this whole time. It is not because there are not extra beds, but because this week her husbands father was also in town and she put him in the extra bed room. So when I found this I out I had wanted to go home that night and Tomo, who would have to drive back up to the city to go to school on Thursday, had the idea that we could just sleep on the couch or the floor in the office for the 3 days. I agreed but I was unhappy about it and now I wish I had disagreed. So you may have noticed I said 3 days and not 5... well that is because we didn't leave Thursday night like we were going to do originally, Tom's mom asked if we would stay until Sunday morning because she wanted to go out with some friends and her husband was going to be gone all weekend fishing with his father, and she wanted us to stay and keep Jack and his little friends from picking on Anne while everyone was out. Well that turned out to be pointless as Jack never came home Saturday night(not in a kidnapped way in the staying out at a friends house way). Oh and Tomo found 2 ticks on him after we took the dog for a walk so to all who walk the Ticks are out...be afraid ,wear high socks and check yourselves regularly. Out
Oh p.s I have the pre stages of carpel tunnel( not sure thats how thats spelled but oh well)

ThIs just in

SO my dad almost kicked Tomo out the other day. We had this big family talk about how he feels that we are taking advantage of his hospitality and such which we aren't doing... I think he thinks we just sit around doing nothing. Anyway so I talked to him about all the stuff I tried to tell him months ago but he was to mad to listen to and then he got it or something because no he has reduced the rent and Tomo gets to stay we just have to keep the house clean and stuff of that nature which we( which means mostly Tomo) do anyway so it worked out,but I still don't like that he was going to make Tomo move out and then expect me to just sit about and be all" oh okay dad kick my boyfriend out I still love and respect you with all my heart and this will never come back to be deep resentment especially if it results in the split of me and Tomo". Uh NO what the hell kinda world does he think he lives in? I will tell you he thinks he lives in his on little world where everything happens exactly like he wants it to. GRRRRRR that made me so mad whice I'm sure you understand. Well now iIfeel a little better but that rant wasn't the point of this... it was about something else but I can't remember what it was now so there I guess I'm done.

Just Cause its been awhile

So its been I while since I wrote anything up here... um so I shall go with the quickish version of what has been happening in the life of moi. So lets see my car is broken and I don't fully know whats wrong with it, it could be the starter and there is most defiantly something wrong with the battery as after trying to start it today my power locks wouldn't even work which is bad. My poor car I love it so much and it is all dead... the sadness. Next lets see my couisn is due to have a baby any time now heck she may have had it already she was due sometime last week and the doctor told her it should be anyday. Umm next I still am on the hunt for a job as is Tomo but he is still in school so that is good and I will hopefully be starting school in August (that is if anything else doesn't happen, its been a nightmare trying to do this school thing). Uhmm my sister Leana got married but it was a bad wedding in the sence that she didn't even tell her mom it was happening until like 2 weeks before she was going to do it. There wasn't really a plan and it was a very hasty affair so it wasn't very good. She didn't even let her mom help her pick out her dress so the family is a little upset about it. Umm I was rather mad at my dad last thursday. I had plans to hang out with my friends Kross and Sami and at the last minute he tells me he needs me to be home to watch my little brothers Kaleb and Kaden. He TOLD me that he had plans he couldn't get out off but I KNOW that he just went to his friend Lisa's house or something like that, if he had real plans to do something like buisnessie he wouldn't have worn his gopher hockey jersey...or at least I hope not. It makes me so mad when he does this and he does it all the time. Do I just not have a life in his eyes, do I just sit around waiting for him to need me to do something for him? It drives me mad. I may not do much but I still try to do stuff when I can work it out with other people' jobs...just becasue I don't have one doesn't mean my friends are just sitting around waiting for me to want to do something with them. Anyway minus the rant that has been my life up to nowish. Oh and I finally saw the end of The Sound of Music... I don't like it.

Is a Genius

So you know the age old question " A tree falls in the woods, if there is no one around to hear it does it make a sound?" I know you have heard of it, who hasn't?. Well I have the answer... Is a big fat NO. I will explain. Sound is simply vibration in the air, it then travels up the ear passage and passed all the other ear parts and the brain interprets this as sound. So without a ear type thingy and a brain to process the vibrations there is no sound. Hahahahaha end I have solved it... is a genius

Back from the Dells and on to Life

So I am back from The Dells it was nice...but now back to reality. So I don't have a job and neither does Tomo and we have been getting unemployment and looking like hell to find one, but I only get about 100 a week and Tomo only gets about 65 a week and my dad wants us to still pay 400 dollars a month for rent 100 dollars the first week and then 150 dollars for two weeks after until he has 400. This is really pissing me off because that leaves only about 90 dollars all month for the both of us to pay off our bills,mostly my cell phone and car insurance which together is about 200 dollars and some of Tomo's school stuff. On top of that he wants us to put about 50 dollars up a week for food... yepers its what he said. It is so wrong because he goes on about how he doesn't need us to help pay rent he makes us because adults pay rent but when we need a little help he is all like this I why I don't think you guys could move out you don't have what it takes to be adults... so wait then if we don't have what it takes to be adults why do we have to pay rent? He goes on about how he tries to treat us like adults then treats us like kids who could not do a damn thing without him when before I lost my job he was always coming to me to pay this or that because he doesn't even have his own bank account... he fucked his over and doesn't want to pay back the money he owes and he still doesn't have one. So who is being an adult here the one who is giving up every cent to make this thing work or the man who can't even get it together enough to get his bank account fixed so he doesn't have to call up his 19 year old ever time he needs to pay off something.

The Dells

So I am going to an indoor water park at the dells this week Tuesday thru Friday. It will hopefully be lots of fun... hopefully. I am going with my dad, my sister Shayana, her mom Lisa, Tomo, and maybe my sister's cousin Lauren. I had to buy a new swim suit it's super cute but I have stretch marks on my hips and they are in my mind at least very visible so I am a little upset about them but I guess whatever... you know thinking on it I will be in practically nothing in front of people and I am worried about stretch marks well I guess that's me for you. Now for reasons unknown to me Tomo is shake his butt in my face but its okay I like his butt. He is a silly boy, I love him for it... but now I am off topic... The Dells. Okay so now I don't have anything to say about it anymore so more when I return. Tata love

Feeling Like A Bum in the Rain

So I have not had a for about 2 months now and i feel useless because of it. With the economy the way it is it has become super hard to find a new one and without one I feel like a bum. I just sit around all day mostly doing nothing but playing games or watching tv... which gets old very quickly, if you have ever had a job then lost it you would know. To make me feel just a bit worse about it I am still not in school so I cant even say that I am at least bettering my life in any way... so now I feel like a bum in the rain... with no coat... in the fall. I really need to get into school so now Isay bye bye small fry and I am going to go do school stuff.

The Top of Lap

So Ashra is a happy girl, yay she gots a laptop!!! It is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen and thats the truth about it. Its black with red trim and brush aluminum, the works. So being me the first thing I do is buy the sims 2 and its awsome I love it so much like a flat shine child that only cost me a few hundred dollars like 8 but thats besides the point. Yay! Now to the sad news my beloved tomo is sick last night he had a fever so high I think Icould have cooked an egg on him but I didnt... you know its not nice to cook food on the ill, but the better is that he is getting better and no longer can I cook things on his chest.... which is not sad.

Life as of now

So at the moment I am search of a new job. the joy ... looking for a job in this economy...yeah right, but i have had a little luck in the form of an inside man at Comcast who is giving a good word in my favor. Yay!! If I get this job I totally get free comcast service which is super cool. Well on with a different part of my life now ... I am getting a laptop! Hurray for tax returns. So my and Tomo are doing super good we didn't do anything for you know couples day aka Valentine's day but I don't care I love him and I am poor so just being with him is enough for me. He feels bad and I wish he wouldn't because he wanted to do so much for me but couldn't its the fact that he would have spent every cent he had on me... thats enough. my uncle lives with us at the moment, its cool he is always here. I love my uncle he really understands me so we can talk about stuff... its nice. well thats a quick update of my life now... yeahbye *say it really fast as one word*

So Painful

So I went to the doctor yesterday to get my depo shot. For those who don't know that is birth control. Anyway I have learned a few things about said shot that I feel should have been disclose before I started it and have been on it for about 3 years, just a few things. Such as the fact that prolonged use of it can cause Ostioporosis, you know bone lose for womans, yeah they only told me this about 3 months ago... gee thanks docter lady. Next that it was originally designed to lower sex drive, which no one told me thanks once again doctor lady. finally that the chemicals in the shot don't react well with skin so it hurts about 6x longer then a regular shot does... thanks again doctor lady for your unending informativeness. Okay so I feel kinda like I was not given enough info to make a truly informed concent... knowing this I would most likely still haved picked it ,but I think that I should have been told it could most likely eat my bones sooner so I could do something about that am I wrong ? I am Now taking calcium and vitam d but still i could have been doing it sooner. Thats all about that. So to the Painful part my whole left butt hurts to sit on... is mucho not fun.

Gamie Game

So Tomo the love has found me one of my old favorite compy games, its called Black and White. I use to play this game for hours on my uncles computer. The game for you who don't know is that you are the god of this village and you have to help the people and stuff. There is more to it like a crazy god who is all highlander about the whole thing and this vortex of hope deally, but that is for you to find out yourself by playing the the thing. Anyway I have been playing it all day, minus like 3 hours when I had to drive to my cousins basketball game on the other side of the state from me, and they lost, but other then that and you know sleeping and other important stuff one does during the day thats it. Well I am done for now so nanuw nanuw

Sadness

So due to a sad mix up at my uncles job I will not being going to Detroit this weekend. The sadness so in stead due to unforeseen actions i may in stead be going to Georgia to retrieve my aunt and 3 cousins. It is a long story but it is one indeed so we simply will leave it at she went there and now she wants to come back. Got to love it. well that's all for this one nanew nanew

Goig HOme

So next weekend I am going to go back to Detroit to see some old fam... the joy. Okay its not that I don't love my fam... I do its just that the are a lot to deal with at one time. Tom is coming to, I hope he does okay I don't want him to feel odd, as I said my fam is a lot to take in and I have known them my whole life can you imagin meeting them for the first time? Well I guess I will keep you posted about that. So I am happy to go back, I will get to see my sister whom I love Aryana. I only see her like once every 3 or 4 years... thats kinda lame but what can you do? I have been sad about Detroit thought. Everytime I go there it has fallen more in to disrepair, it like the people just don't give a damn about their city. I may not want to stay there but I don't want to go back to see it looking like a slum everytime... I have childhood memories there and I hate watching the decay away with the loss of more jobs and more moral. The place is nicknamed the Motor city, the first cars came out of it, the first ford plant was there and now its gone. Its gone and all its jobs went with it. Just about everyone in the city has a job that has to do with the auto industry... and now its gone. What are the people going to do? How is the city going to survive?

Cleany clean

So as all of these have started so i was cleaning my room today and discovered that i have about 2 and half baskets of clothes to wash and no money. I live in an apartment so i pay rent but to have clean clothes i must also pay to wash them. That is sad i mean can one place really need so much money that they would let people stink up the place for a few quarters? What is my rent going to then?What i the change in those machines going to? i so every time we do laundry Tomo and I go to his moms house but that is about 30 minutes way just to do laundry . We spend the whole day there yes but its a whole trip for laundry. That seems a bit ridiculous to me. I guess i would understand it better if i was a landlord but i am not ... so i don't.. oh well i guess i am done for now, I have to go do the laundry and all.

The Plan

So my day was a sad excuse of a day, the highlight being when tom got home. i was wondering to anyone who is going to look at this, what does one look fro in a blog? i mean why would you read this more then once and say wow what a waste of my life, this chick is super boring? i wish to know this if you unknown buddy would be so kind as to share it with me. So i talked to my friend Rae today she has caner in her knee and it spread to her lungs i hear. Can you imagine what that is like she is only 19 and she has to do chemotherapy and this i the second time it went into remission last year. I am so glad to have meet her but i feel bad that it happened to such a nice person, why her of all the people in th world ? What reason can ther be for cancer let alone cancer in young people.

The first

So i just set this up and i am not to sure what to do now. Uhmm yeah i guess i am not that exciting, i live in the boonies so there really isn't much to do other then tv and internet so here i am. a friend of mine has one of these so i though they why not? What could it hurt? Who knows maybe i will be really good at this. i guess i am to slow a typer for my boyfriend his name is Tomo and he looked over at how much i have typed and said oh i had to high hopes i thought with all the sound i heard you would have a whole page written. Anyway i love that boy and I going to marry him someday. i live with him, my dad and my two little brothers. hopeful Tomo and i will be out of here in august. It not a fact yet still in the planning stages of it. My dad is in gerneral a cool guy but he is very hard to live with , that is all i will sya about him now but fear not i will talk about him more at some point many points infact he is the bane of my core at the moment. So if anyone reads this lost wonderland is a place that i feel best discribes the insanity that is my mind, a strange mix of adult problems and wants locked in a childs paradise with all the things a kid wants too, if you are confused... try living in it 24/7